Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
