what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
