I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
