i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
She even gives head with a lisp.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
