Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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