Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
