Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
