he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Randomize
