i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
