He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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