I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
