i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
