I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
