Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
