whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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