I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Randomize
