I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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