Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
