I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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