two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
