Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
