Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
