Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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