My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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