when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
