marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
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