sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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