dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
