Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
