Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize