I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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