HIV tests are more positive than that guy
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
only you would photoshop your dick
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
