I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
