1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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