I think my vagina is haunted
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
