3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
