Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Randomize