Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Randomize
