just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
