wakey wakey hands off snakey
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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