birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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