Just cropdusted the office
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize