Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
