He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
