I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
