I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
