If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
