i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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