Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
