Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
