I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
