My entire life is one complicated drinking game
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
