I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Randomize
