i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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