Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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