Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
