Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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