You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
