I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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