Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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