just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
