My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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