We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
