I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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