it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Randomize
