White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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