I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
